Interpersonal Feedback Techniques

References & Gratitude: I co-wrote the original version of this post with Michael Terrell, and we both learned these concepts while facilitating for the faculty who teach Stanford GSB’s Interpersonal Dynamics course. 

In T-groups, we teach people a very simple structure for giving feedback about interpersonal impact (impacts on emotions; on connection; on relationships) to their teammates. 

This framework is powerful in that it minimizes the risk of provoking a defensive or resistant response from the feedback recipient. No tactic will ever eliminate the risk that you will evoke defensive feelings in another person, but if you can utilize these tools skillfully, you will significantly increase your chances of being effective and influential with your feedback. 

“The Net” and “The Objective Video Camera” 

In any interpersonal exchange or communication between two people — let’s call them “A” and “B” — there are a few key pieces to the communication:

1 - There is “Person A’s” INTENT. Her desires, goals, motives, reasons for speaking, etc. They are rarely stated explicitly, and in fact, she might not be fully aware of them, but they are there. 

2 - Then there is the directly observable BEHAVIOR. These are the words that “Person A” uses, the gestures she makes, and the cadence and tone of her speech. We like to describe this piece of the communication as the things an objective video camera would see if it were recording the scene. A camera is not a human so it can’t label things judgmentally as humans are quick to do. The camera therefore wouldn’t say: “He’s being rude” but would note observable sights and recordable sounds: “He began speaking before the team leader finished talking. He arrived five minutes after the team leader had started the meeting. He sat back in his chair with arms crossed while everyone else was sitting forward in their chairs taking notes while team leader spoke.” 

3 - Lastly, there is the IMPACT of “Person A’s” BEHAVIOR on “Person B” — namely his thoughts, feelings, and other reactions. 

So if you have “Person A’s” INTENT on one side, and you have the IMPACT on “Person B” on the other side, the area that’s translating between the two is the observable BEHAVIOR — and we call this area “The Net” because almost like a game of tennis or volleyball, it serves to divide the two worlds or realities.

The reason we break down interpersonal communication like this is because where we tend to get in trouble is when we CROSS THE NET from our area of expertise (our world) to someone else’s area of expertise (their world) (Visually represented by the Purple Line on chart above)

This is especially true when giving feedback. Many of us have the problematic habit of labeling the other person’s world when we start giving feedback. And just like in the real physical world, when someone starts to invade your space, it’s natural to start feeling self-protective or defensive. “Person B” could “cross the net” in this way by saying things like:

• “I don’t feel like you care about this project the way you should.”

• “You’re micromanaging too much.”

• “I need you to start trusting me.”

Can you see how each of these comments involves “Person B” going over to “Person A’s” side of the net and ascribing labels and judgments to it? It’s rare that “Person A” is going to respond graciously and constructively to that type of feedback. It’s far more likely that she’ll try to debate or argue with it.

So how could “Person B” give the feedback more cleanly? Well he could try to focus his comments on his area of expertise: his thoughts, feelings, reactions and therefore try to more clearly stay on his side of the net. He could say:

• “When you arrive over 15 minutes late to these meetings, I feel irritated.”

• “We check in on my work progress three times a day and the # of check-ins is leaving me feeling anxious and exhausted.”

• “When I saw you give that project assignment to X, I felt worried.” 

Can you see the difference? It’s especially pronounced when “Person B” focuses on naming his feelings. “Person A” might not like to hear that “Person B” feels irritated, but she can’t say “no you don’t feel that way.” She can’t push back on that being “Person B’s” reality in the same way that she can push back on a claim that “she’s micromanaging too much” — that’s the advantage of trying to stay on your side of the net. 

Self-Coaching Questions: 

• Are you aware of “The Net” when giving feedback? 

• How effective are you at “staying on your side of the net” either in how you think about interpersonal interactions or in how you talk with others about feedback? 

Feedback Formula

This “formula” (or “mad-lib” or fill-in-the blank”)  is a great place to start with interpersonal feedback because it will help you ensure that your feedback comments STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE NET and draw from your area of expertise: your feelings.

Using this structure may initially feel challenging to you--naming feelings is certainly a more vulnerable way to exchange feedback, right? Far less vulnerable to tell someone that they’re being too short-sighted rather than that you feel worried every time they restate their point on something. But we encourage you to try it because there can be a tremendous amount of power in it -- and it can make your feedback easier to receive and, as a result, more influential. 

One thing to call out here: it’s critical to notice if you have the temptation to insert a “like” or “that” after “I felt…” (see how they are crossed out in the chart above?). It’s a turn of phrase we often use in American English...but note that when you do that, you’re not actually naming a feeling. You’re disguising a judgment as a feeling and you’re crossing the net: “I feel like you don’t respect me.” So keep your eyes peeled for that temptation and try to avoid it.

Self-Coaching Questions

• How skillful or effective are you in using this basic sentence structure? 

• Do you ever fall into the “dressing up judgments as feelings” trap?