Co-founders: Get Your Needs Met
One of the most common things I help co-founders with is figuring out what their needs are and how to get them met.
Let’s begin by distinguishing between “emotional needs” in the partnership and “performance needs” you have for the functional role your co-founder performs. You need the co-founder who is playing Head of Sales to deliver on sales. If they’re not doing that, that’s also an important conversation, but not the one I am talking about here.
When your emotional needs in the relationship aren’t being met, you’ll likely experience some chronic dissatisfaction or even distressing conflicts in the partnership.
Where I see a lot of co-founders go wrong in these moments is:
1 - They fail to recognize they have a core emotional need and that the experience of not getting it met is at the root of their disappointment and distress.
2- Even when they are able to recognize a need, they fail to distinguish between the need itself and their ideal or reflexive preference for how the need be met. (To use a metaphor from biology, this is the difference between the nutrient a plant needs and the mechanism or formula through which the nutrient is delivered to and absorbed by the plant.)
3- When co-founders finally have a conversation about needs, they approach it with too many fixed constraints and aren’t able to be creative or flexible in how their needs could get met while keeping the partnership healthy and intact. (In negotiation, this is the same error as staying stuck on initial positions vs. negotiating from a place of understanding underlying interests.)
It follows then that the antidote, or actions to take to approach these moments more productively are:
1 - Get clear on your emotional need: Reflect deeply on what your true underlying emotional need is in the relationship. If you’re drawing a blank, you can ask yourself “How have I historically relied on my partner to help me feel better?” or “When I get frustrated/disappointed, what is the thing I am hoping for but don’t get?” You can also consider a broad list of emotional needs: security, reassurance, validation, recognition, acceptance, safety, confidence, connection, privacy, autonomy, energy, intimacy, trust, freedom, respect, agency. Does one of those resonate for you as the need that isn’t getting met? Once you’ve identified the need, reflect and write down the difference between the core need itself and your preferred way of getting that need met. (See illustrative examples below)
2 - Identify how you may be stuck in a story or a behavior pattern that inaccurately equates your experience of your partner failing to meet your need in your preferred way with an inability or unwillingness to meet your core need. Try the thought-exercise where you look for evidence that challenges a narrow assumption. Yes, your partner may not currently meet your need in the narrow or specific way you prefer, but what evidence is there that they do other things (or could do other things) that would meet that need? How might you be missing their ability or willingness to meet your need?
3 - Reflect on your own and then dialogue with your co-founder about how you could both be creative and flexible in meeting each other’s needs. You can clarify the core needs you both have, the preferences you might be willing to let go of or flex on, and how you’ll get those needs met going forward whether by your partner or someone else. What can you do? What can they do? What can you both do together? Sometimes co-founders discover that their unmet needs are “colluding.” This is when partner A’s preferred way of getting their core need met would undermine a different core need partner B has. In those cases, making changes to communication, collaboration or the dynamic can help both partners feel better at the same time--and that’s the only way to break the negative cycle.
Here are some examples to illustrate the three steps:
Example #1:
MY NEED: Feel secure that I won’t be abandoned.
MY PREFERRED HOW: My co-founder demonstrates their commitment to our business and to me by solely focusing their time and energy on our company.
AFTER GETTING CREATIVE/FLEXIBLE: I can expand my definition of “commitment” to be more inclusive of the ways my co-founder does demonstrate it. I can continue doing my own inner work to not let my reflexive fears of abandonment drive disproportionate feelings or inaccurate stories. And my co-founder can remember that I have this sensitive trigger spot and be more conscientious for how they bring up certain ideas/suggestions to minimize the chance it will trigger a deeper insecurity for me.
Example #2
MY NEED: Feel connected.
MY PREFERRED HOW: My co-founder matches me in the” intensity” I bring to our work (as measured by: hours logged; emotional intensity in the relationship; sacrifices made in personal life, etc.)
AFTER GETTING CREATIVE/FLEXIBLE: I can work harder to see my co-founder for who they are, not who I wish they were. I can stop expecting or demanding them to match my intensity. They can put extra effort and intention into engaging in other activities with me that we both find connecting. I can start seeing that our difference in intensity serves our relationship and makes me better. We can look for new project areas in the company where I can delve in intensely and they don’t need to be involved. I can cultivate other professional relationships (with advisors, other founder friends) who naturally bring more intensity to interactions, and broaden my sense of connection beyond my co-founder.
Example #3
MY NEED: Feel respected
MY PREFERRED HOW: My co-founder consults me early and often on all major product and hiring decisions.
AFTER GETTING CREATIVE/FLEXIBLE: My co-founder can be more consistent in giving me positive feedback about the impact of my work so I understand more fully how they value my role and involvement in the company in an ongoing way. We can reset expectations about what roles we each want to play in decisions that indirectly influence each other’s areas of responsibility. When I hear my internal monologue jumping to the conclusion that “They must not respect me enough to have consulted me on X!” I can challenge that assumption and instead engage in inquiry and explore if we’re continuing to be aligned on expectations.
Example #4
MY NEED: Feel better about my fears.
MY PREFERRED HOW: Talk through my fears right away with my co-founder and receive their support either through reassurance, validation or problem-solving. (Even if this means interrupting their work or hijacking another meeting’s agenda.)
AFTER GETTING CREATIVE/FLEXIBLE: I can practice self-coaching and emotion regulation techniques on my own to de-escalate my more intense fear reactions I have before I bring them up for discussion. I can broaden my support network of who I turn to when I want to discuss and feel better about certain fears. My co-founder can make sure we never skip weekly 1-1s so that I know there is always a space carved-out where I can surface my concerns so I don’t feel pressure to hijack a different meeting’s agenda.
In closing:
You can have a successful partnership, and not count on your partner to meet all your needs. I’ve seen plenty of co-founders figure this out and realize how creative and flexible they can be in getting needs met. (You can draw a parallel here to the marriages that improve when each member of the couple redoubles their effort to maintain friendships and other relationships so there isn’t so much pressure on Just One Person to meet all your emotional needs.)
And this isn’t the one fix-all solution. I’ve seen other co-founders who dig into their needs fully and realize that even with creativity and flexibility, they are unable or unwilling to meet each other’s core needs. And that’s when the relationship needs to shift. A shift isn’t necessarily an end to the relationship, though sometimes it can be. A shift can also involve: a change in roles; a more large-scale reset of expectations; or even an addition of a new teammate.
Anamaria
